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On grief, grumpiness and community

Home News On grief, grumpiness and community
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by James Woodward

Netflix doesn’t always yield the browsing results that it claims! That is partly dependent on its view of the subscriber’s viewing history combined with drawing us into their top ten lists. If it is popular then I should watch it?

After a couple of  frustrating visits to the site and seeing a recommendation from one of my ministry students, I landed on Otto and Tom Hanks. I was a little disconcerted by the warning about references to suicide but decided to click the play button and was surprised both by its narrative and storyline.

A cranky widower appears in the first minutes of the film arguing with a hapless assistant at an out-of-town hardware store about the price of a piece of rope. It gets resolved but the scene is set – Otto is rude, abrasive, obsessive and just cantankerous. The very essence of a grump.

And if it’s true for you, it must be true for me that the things that we often dislike in other people we have in ourselves in some measure of generous abundance! The grump, the oddly abrasive short fuse and occasional tendency to micromanage might be three things on my self-improvement plan and certainly on the sin list that pleads for Grace and forgiveness!

The other thing that occurs to me as this slow two-hour movie unfolded is how long it takes us to get to know other people. I mean really get to know them – what makes them tick, what makes them laugh, and above all the pains and disappointments and hurts that keep them awake and are the cause of tears.

So the immediate story is of this short-fused widower who micromanages everything in his street which includes his own multiple attempts at suicide – and yes, these scenes are heartbreaking and distressing. We are left wondering why things have got like this? We wonder in the first quarter of the the film where the story is heading!

The neighbours share a certain range of eccentricities. They are friendly in their own way. A frail old man being looked after by his wife. A middle-aged man obsessed with exercise and getting the right number of steps in day by day. A stray cat observing it all alongside a car driver determined not to close the gate to the estate of houses. Small trivial stuff that causes Otto intense irritation. He finds refuge in micromanaging everything on the street, including the recycling bins.

There is a poignant scene of Otto’s visit to a graveyard where we discover almost by accident that the headstone marks the place of his recently departed wife. New neighbours arrive and the heavily pregnant Marisol together with her useless husband interrupts Otto’s plans to rejoin his departed wife.

It is a really beautiful film where we see and feel and hear the difference that small acts of kindness can make. I challenge the hardest of hearts not to give in to something of the way in which community can work, given attention to the other and radical movement away from distraction and functionality into listening, noticing and relating or connecting with the messy business of life and living.

Watch it for yourself and decide. See what you make of the ending with its surprises and it messages. Can we really change the furniture of our personality and ways of doing things? What do we miss or refuse to see in one another? Do we ever know the story in front of us and the terrible ways in which life distorts and hurts and disfigures? Do we really want to make a difference by unseen, unacknowledged, acts of kindness just for the sake of kindness?

Perhaps this is a story about how difficult the journey of grief is for any human being. It certainly is a reminder that death changes us all and is creeping up on us which might just be an opportunity if we want to take it.

The way we inhabit our own story is unique. One of the questions that this film poses is who we choose to share the narrative of our life with. This film shows us how liberating the narrating of story can be and how people have an extraordinary capacity to listen, understand and make a difference in noticing and attending.

This process is helped in this film by the soundtrack that reflects the pain and hope.

There is also a fascinating political and social discourse going on in this movie. In Otto’s neighbourhood, the developer is slowly pushing people out by way of controlling the investments and profits. This means, in part, attempting to control even the social make-up of this community.

The movie then becomes a place of protest against bureaucracy. It also offers a strong critique of the importance of place and home for all of us as nurturing, belonging and connection. This gift comes at unexpected times and from unexpected people. The Mexican family who move in with two children and a very pregnant wife play a key part in the transformation of both Otto and the community. She notices. She expresses her care through food and a quiet steady presence. She will not let Otto’s rudeness have the final word. She has the most amazing capacity to support his transformation. She is the persistent pesky neighbour asking for help which in itself enables Otto to feel no longer unwanted. And as a reminder of who is in this community, Otto befriends a transgender teenager who is rejected by his family. Strong communities are places where all belong.

Communities are important. They do not just happen. They need building. They need attending to. This film shows how small communities contribute to the betterment both of society but also our humanity. We are not isolated. We cannot only live for ourselves! They can be places where we can connect.

I wonder where all this might land my particular part of Salisbury?

The Revd Canon Professor James Woodward is Principal of Sarum College. This article is adapted from the original posted on his personal website.

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